It was in May and a very hot day. I wanted to do one of the assignments that was overdue in my Experiencing God workbook that required me to take a walk and pray and spend one on one time with the Lord seeking His will and His voice. I took off on my own across the island towards Mangrove Bight. We had yet to have visited that part of the island and so I wanted to go there. I passed many people on the road and felt assured. I felt encouraged in my prayers and time with God and it was very peaceful. I put earbuds in with worship music playing as I walked the dirt paths. I made it all the way to Mangrove Bight, but when I arrived I was really confused. It seemed like the road just stopped and there were houses lining a slight dirt path, but the path led between a fence and so I wasn’t sure what to do. There were people sitting on the steps of a couple of the homes and they were just staring at me.
Like I mentioned before, it was hot that day, but embarrassment made the heat rise even more and where I once felt really self-assured, now I realized I needed to ask where to go. I had to talk to strangers and try to figure out what to say. I wasn't really headed anywhere but Mangrove Bight. I tend to laugh and smile like a nerd when I am uncomfortable, and so this is exactly my first reaction. I probably looked crazy to them. So I “pretended” to be assured of myself and walked back to one of the homes where people were on their steps. With all of the courage I could muster I asked them if this was Mangrove Bight. They responded with “Yes.” Crud!! Now what? I had no idea why I asked that question or why it made me so stinking uncomfortable, it simply popped out and so I started to internally panic. I needed a better question. In America, usually people offer conversation or more information. I asked next where the path goes. Another dumb question. The answer was Mangrove Bight. They just stared at me and I stared at them. Then one of them asked if I was trying to go to North Side. I said yes. I wasn’t actually trying to go to North Side, but I panicked and I wasn’t really sure why I felt so anxious. One of the girls said she was going to the soccer field on North Side and I could go with her.
Talk about feeling a sense of relief. I believe her name is Taranie (not sure how it is spelled) and she was great. Friendly, spoke to me along the way. I asked her all kinds of questions as we walked to the soccer field. She is 22, no kids (which is very rare on the island) and seemed very personable. Islanders always laugh when they are embarrassed, nervous, unsure, etc., and so there was a constant giggle all the way. I felt awkward, but at least I was with someone and headed somewhere.
We arrived at the soccer field and boy oh boy did the awkwardness hit like a huge ton of bricks. Picture this. EVERYONE from the island was there. On the road, down by the field, on the path to the field, and everyone was dressed like they were headed to the clubs in America. Basically, they were dressed to the nines. I was sweaty, dirty, in my regular t-shirt and skirt with a goofy sun hat for my fair skin and I stood out like a sore thumb. I was the ONLY white person in a sea of brown and I stood on the path going towards the soccer field with a straight back and I must have had a look of sheer terror and embarrassment. I I felt my face go red and I was so unsure of myself. I had no idea what to do with myself. No idea what to say.
Taranie couldn’t wait to ditch me. She gave a couple giggles and platitudes, then bailed to find her friends. I felt my cheeks turn bright red and I just stood like a nerd, frozen to the spot. Everyone looked at me. Then they all said something to one another about me. They laughed. I just stayed stuck to the spot, like I had cement for feet. A four-wheeler rolled up next to me and Travis (someone I had briefly met a week or so before) was on it. He told me I didn’t need to be scared and to just look for someone I knew and enjoy the game.
HA! I didn’t know anyone! Wait! There was Nelson, so I bee-lined straight towards him and in the process tore my skirt on a thorny vine. I bumbled my way towards his group and he wasn't too pleased, but smiled and welcomed me. I could tell that he couldn’t wait to ditch me too. I stared at the soccer field, but when I looked at the game I was so confused. It looked like referees were running all over the place. So I of course asked out loud why there were so many referees. He laughed (as did the group with him) and said that it was Helene’s team and that it was just their uniform. Nice! Black and white striped uniforms. Man, this couldn’t be going any worse (at least that was how it felt). I just stood there thinking of what to say or do and all the while looked and probably came across as the weirdest gringo (the term for white people) that there ever was.
Wow! So as I tried to figure out how I was going to escape without looking like a coward, my phone rang! THANK YOU JESUS! Sheila was calling to know if I wanted to go for a walk. YES! Even though I had been walking for the last hour and I was thoroughly exhausted, I laughed and couldn’t wait to go another walk just to escape with some dignity intact. I now had a viable reason and a “place to go”. So I hung up my phone and waded through the people and tall grass to the path, eager to once again have something to do and somewhere to be. I could feel everyone’s eyes on me as I walked away from the soccer game that they were all so excited to be a part of. I felt like the biggest coward and monumental missionary failure as I escaped with my tail between my legs.
Now I can think back and laugh at how ridiculous I looked and felt. It was such a huge blunder on my part. I missed a big opportunity because these islander events are never really planned and are important to be a part of when they do happen. I realized that I have no idea what I’m doing and that much like middle school, I get to live through a lot more awkward social interactions in order to build new friendships on the island. This is a really different culture and I don’t have the first idea of what to do or how to be. All the assurance in the world can’t change the color of my skin, or my nationality; and both of those things really affect the way I am treated in this new culture. Gringos are often seen as privileged, having a lot of money, and being blessed just by birth, especially American Gringos.
I was so embarrassed that day and it set me back a bit, but I keep trying again and again to overcome my issues and just get out into the community. I can see how being here only a few months just won’t do it. In this community, trust is built not by punctuality or performance, but rather the quantity and length of time spent together. Time is more important. Being here everyday, for births, deaths, injuries, birthdays, and all the sweat and work in between. It’s definitely not about events, but rather the everyday stuff. Living life together. It would take years for them to trust me or to trust the words that I say. For them to trust my Jesus. Guess I better get used to awkward moments and looking like a complete fool all for the sake of Christ if I want to make any small, minute impact in this new community. So, I’m learning to embrace the awkwardness of myself and smile, because really what else is there to do?
Crossing into a new culture has been one awkward social event. Never knowing what to say, how to respond, whether the people understand. Our mannerisms are just different enough and our speech is just different enough that there is a bit of a divide. When we go "down island" to Roatan the divide is that much greater. Not being able to speak Spanish is a huge barrier, and can put you in VERY awkward and weird situations. But having the courage to stick it out. To laugh at myself and keep trying. Asking lots and lots of questions and wanting to know the answers. Smiling and remaining friendly even when I have no idea what to say or do or what the other person is saying or doing. I have learned to embrace my awkwardness and just "go with it" until it isn't awkward any longer. I want to learn more about the people of Helene and so I plan on spending the day with two older women on the island. One of them is Ms Sherry and the other is Ms Nellie. I am going to learn how to make boliattas next Monday with Ms Sherry and have yet to set a date to make flitters with Ms Nellie. I hope to learn more about these two beautiful women and their families and how to cook some islander dishes that I can make for my friends back home and share a little bit of Helene with the people of Salina. Pray for me and the awkward moments I will indeed encounter.
-Love in Christ, Cassie Riley-
